Am I monogamous?
This has been a hard post to write as this part of my life has always been very personal and haven’t shared this outside of close friends and circle.
Is this a question everyone struggles with at some level ? I always wonder since I have always struggled with monogamy. I didn’t form stable relationships in my 20s because I wasn’t able to commit to one person even when I truly loved them, as I felt my attraction to others meant committing to one person was at odds at loving this one person.
Even when in relationships, I felt I wasn’t able to express my complete being and felt like I was cheating myself and lying to myself. Something was missing, I wanted to be in love with one person yet the idea of not forming any romantic connection with any other human being was deeply disturbing.. It didn’t feel authentically me.
I used to not think much of it and didn’t think this was an existential problem. I thought most young men are relationship avoidant and desire lots of casual relationships. This was my justification for my experience and emotions.
I had experimented with open relationships in my 20s twice but I didn’t care they were open because both of us knew we weren’t looking to commit to each other for a lifetime and were just two strangers whose paths had intertwined who loved spending time with each other. Looking back, amongst all my relationships in my 20s - these were the happiest, I felt truly myself, we communicated openly, we spoke about our desires and insecurities, we laughed and cried together.
I used to also think that having connections with multiple people vs loving one person was at odds with each other. There was too much guilt and a sense of failure in being unsuccessful at forming non-monogamous relationships.
I am a very confident person who is able to live and speak my truths. But this one was hard for a very long time since I saw my inability to be in a conventional monogamous relationship was a failure on my part. I felt there is a society ideal of two people falling in love and only loving each other forever and am miserably failing that. I felt deeply fraught with myself.
It was only few years ago in San Francisco that I was able to meet a lot of people who were in amazing relationships but also practiced different shades of polyamory to ethical non-monogamy. I did connect instantly but I wasn’t poly, I didn’t want multiple relationships. Digging into the community further, I was also seeing many broken relationships and short-term-ism in this community. But it opened my eyes and gave me the permission to define something that would work for me.
It was a long journey but I was able to finally say to myself “I have one life, I have to be honest with what my needs are”
I love life, I love lots of things about living - music, dancing, running, biking, writing, building things, building companies, traveling, waking up everyday so god damn happy to be alive, optimistically sure that pursuing my dreams is the only true north, I love humans, I love unabashed optimism, naked ambition and i love capitalism. I also possess the ability to love multiple humans and I need a relationship that supports that, I need a life that supports that.
I just realized I need to be honest about this with myself, with others and romantically find people who feel the same and want to create and enjoy life with similar values.
I am super grateful I am able to do share my thoughts, talk through this journey and get support and guidance from my girlfriend and friends.
Ezéchiel Pailhès - Eternel été
